


Things aren't as scary when I'm by your side

by Pebblesong7



Series: Bad things happen bingo [6]
Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Anxiety, Bad Things Happen Bingo, Eddie is trying his best, Everyone Needs A Hug, Hoarding, Homophobia, Racism, Sonia Kaspbrak's A+ Parenting, Tears of Fear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 00:01:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30063582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pebblesong7/pseuds/Pebblesong7
Summary: Eddie helps his friends more than he realises, much more than his mother ever gives him credit for.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & The Losers Club
Series: Bad things happen bingo [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2184204
Kudos: 4





	Things aren't as scary when I'm by your side

**Author's Note:**

> This fic focuses on the prompt Tears of fear. It involved Sonia's backward thinking that Eddie is learning to ignore. There is implied use of homophobic language, racist hate crimes, OCD like tendencies and Hoarding, periods and internalised shame, and general anxiety. It is nothing too graphic but I would advise not reading if you feel that these may upset you.

When it came to being scared, Eddie Kaspbrak was probably an expert. He spent most of his days being told by his mother about the latest thing he had started showing symptoms for, and the rest of them hyperventilating in his room as he came down with it. 

Eddie couldn’t even remember a night where he was actually able to get to sleep without having to check the old medical book that his mum brought for whatever the newest symptom was. It wasn’t so bad when he was with the rest of the losers though. Eddie looked forward to the days when his mother would loosen her vice like grip and let him go to see “Bill”.

Of course, it was quite rare that it was just Bill. Eddie would never let his mother know that he was lying though, he didn’t think he could stand to hear another one of her lectures. 

“You aren’t still seeing that boy are you? The one that has the glasses? You can't do that Eddiiiiieee, he’s dirty!” She would weep. “I don’t even want to think where that Beverly girl has been, oh Eddiiiiieeee.” She would scream. 

Often Eddie went to bed in tears. He always tried his best to stay clean, and he took all of his medicine on time. He knew that he shouldn’t, but he didn’t think his mum was right about his friends. Sure, Richie was pretty messy but even in his most hyperactive moments he would wash his hands when he came inside. And Bev had not been anywhere, she only ever lived in Derry, so that one didn’t even make sense!

Alas, he learned from his mistake of arguing with her years ago. He had been 6, not wanting to go to the hospital again because “mummy it's just a scratch.” Eddie would never forget the look she had as she wrapped her hands around his tiny wrist and dragged him to the car, demanding a psychoanalysis and blood test after blood test because “it must be tetanus, my Eddie-bear would never talk back like that!” 

He was taken from hospital to hospital until he couldn’t stop the tears, his feet were blistered from the uncomfortable shoes and his wrist was aching. Only after the 5th doctor did his mum finally relent, keeping him locked in his room under constant observation. 

“Those doctors don’t know anything sweetie. Mummy always knows best.”

Indeed, so it seemed that mummy did know best. Eddie was reminded of how profoundly little he knew about anything every day. He was too fragile, too small, too skinny. 

A boy like him? Well he could never be anything could he. 

\--- --- --- --- ---

When Eddie met Bill, he thought that he must have been dreaming. Tall, lanky, stuttering Bill, the same Bill who wasn’t allowed into the school plays, the same Bill who would sit by himself most days after Bowers stole his lunch again, the same Bill who hung the moon and the stars. 

There weren't the words to describe Bill. When Eddie was put next to him in class, he felt like he had met the person he would follow to the ends of the earth. Of course that didn’t make much sense, how could you believe so strongly in someone you have only just met? But the feeling was there. 

Bill never demanded anything from him, nothing like his mother. Bill’s love was something that was freely given, nothing like the demanding love that was dragged from Eddie kicking and screaming. Eddie never felt suffocated, if anything he felt like he could go further than he ever dreamed. 

It made his mothers love feel like a set of chains, dragging him to the bottom of the ocean. 

In so many ways, Bill was perfect, even when he wasn’t. And that was why it was such a surprise when Eddie saw him crying under his lonely tree at lunchtime. 

“What’s wrong?” Eddie felt his heart thumping like a trapped rabbit. He knelt down beside Bill, whose face was buried in his hands, knees tucked up to his chest and eyes rimmed with red. The tall boy sniffed as he used a hand to wipe away the glistening tears from his cheeks. 

“Th-they wuh-wuh-want me t-to do a sp-speh-speh-speech in ing-inguh-English.” Oh. Eddie knew he wasn’t supposed to touch anyone, but he gave Bill a hug. He wasn’t really a hugging person, it made him claustrophobic, but something in him knew it would be okay this time. 

No wonder Bill was crying. The last time he had to give a speech, Bowers and his collection of followers had spat at him. They got in trouble, but that didn’t stop their taunting “Buh-buh-buh-Billy’s” every time they cornered him. Eddie had begged Bill to let him talk to the teacher but Bill insisted it wasn't worth it, that it would just make it worse.

Eddie wasn't sure what to say. He didn’t know much about anything, so he certainly didn’t know much about stutters, but he did know how it felt to be bullied and taunted. 

“We’ll work something out. Last year when I had that bug, you remember the one, when i had like that rash and the-”  
“Eh-Eddie.”  
“Oh right, yeah when my mum spoke to Miss Jensen she let me do it alone with her after school.” Bill actually looked up, a spark of interest in his eyes.   
“Ruh-really?”  
“Yeah! She’s super nice so if we talk to her I'm sure she’ll agree. And even if she doesn’t, we can handle Bowers easy.”

After that, Bill didn’t seem quite so upset anymore. Eddie liked to think he played a role in that.

\--- --- --- --- ---

Eddie didn’t meet Richie so much as Richie decided he liked him and, as such, would keep him. Try as he might, he couldn’t escape, so eventually he gave in. 

Richie was a golden ball of energy. He had terrible impressions and never stopped talking, but my God if he didn’t make Eddie laugh until his sides hurt. No matter how awful things were, Richie could pull out that grin. 

Eddie had been scared at first, but he soon found out that Richie’s love was just as nice as Bill’s. It was a bit different, but wonderful. You loved Richie like you love a dog that you go by on the way to school at first, and then you realise that he is so much more than just jokes. 

Richie didn’t make you laugh to forget your problems, he made you laugh so that you could see the good in the world. Eddie truly began to believe that, as long as Richie was there, he could never go wrong. 

That was why it was such a shock to find Richie, glasses fogged up from the steam in the gym shower, slight trembles wracking his shoulders as he sobbed. 

“Richie, are you ok? What happened?” Eddie was horrified, prancing from side to side as he tried to look for any injuries on his friend. He became more alarmed when Richie didn’t respond. “Did someone hurt you? Do you need me to get Mr Birch?”

Richie gave him a sharp glare. 

“Eddie stop it.” He was serious, possibly for the first time in his life, and it made Eddie freeze. They were alone in the showers, Eddie always waited until everyone else had left because if he went with everyone else he might catch their germs. He hated using the showers at school but he hated being told off by his maths teacher even more. 

“What happened Rich, you know you can tell me.” Richie pushed his glasses further up his face before he finally looked at Eddie properly.   
“I can tell you what your mum said in bed last night.”   
“Beep beep Richie.” 

Richie looked strangely fragile, curled up on the ground, shivering from the cool air hitting his damp skin. He looked like he didn’t want to say anything, so Eddie sat next to him and waited. Of course he tucked one of the paddle boards underneath him beforehand, he wasn’t going to touch the disgusting floor. 

“They called me names.” Richie’s voice wobbled slightly, and Eddie watched curiously. “I know that's not that bad but… it was some really bad ones.”  
“Like what?” Richie’s breathing was ragged.   
“They called me fff-” The boy couldn’t finish but Eddie understood.

He didn’t know much about being gay aside from what his mother had told him. “They're dirty Eddie, they have AIDS and they'll give it to you.” Eddie would stay quiet whenever the most recent advert or story from the paper set her off. “They’ll give it to you Eddiiie, they like little boys, they can smell people who are vulnerable. Promise me you’ll never turn gay, oh Eddiiiiieeeee!”

Eddie wasn’t so sure that he agreed. He spent weeks terrified of the man at the corner shop who had come down with being gay. Then one day he had an asthma attack when he was running away from Bowers, and the man chased the bullies away. He helped Eddie, which was more than could be said for his mum when she arrived and screamed about the “filth” that the man had been “spewing.” 

“You’re trying to turn him gay!”

With that in mind, Eddie leaned against his friend.  
“They’re stupid then. They just want to make you upset. Besides, being Gay isn’t bad.” Richie looked at him, disbelieving. Eddie supposed this was fair, he used to be so scared of getting AIDS that he would repeat what his mother said. He couldn’t say he wasn’t still scared, but now it was more of the AIDS itself. Apparently you could get it when you were straight too, so there was no reason for him to believe it came with being gay. 

“Seriously?” Richie was almost laughing in shock.   
“I am serious! I think they just say that because they think it's bad, not because it actually is. I used to think it was bad, but only because my mum said so, they probably have the same thing.” Richie looked slightly less upset now, and Eddie was relieved. Richie crying was a horrible thing, it made him feel bad in a way that even Bill didn't. 

“You really think so?”  
“Of course. Even if you were gay, I would still be your friend. I'm still your friend even after everything you did with my mum and that's way worse.” Richie definitely perked up at this.   
“Ah so you finally admit the truth.”  
“Beep beep Richie, I was just trying to make you feel better.” Richie winked knowingly.   
“Keep telling yourself that Eddie-spaghetti.”

They didn’t talk about it again after that, but Eddie made sure to tell any of his friends who used “gay” as an insult off after that. 

\--- --- --- --- ---

They had only been friends for a few days when Richie dragged a taller boy with curly hair over to them, the poor kid looking as confused as Eddie felt upon having another human dropped at their lunch-tree. 

“Stan, these are the losers I told you about! Bill, Eddie, meet Stanley, Stanley, meet Bill and Eddie.” Stanley rolled his eyes but smiled politely. He had that same look that Eddie felt when he first met Bill, although there was a glimmer in his eye that was unfamiliar. 

The boy awkwardly skirted around Bill’s outstretched hand, but Bill just smiled and gave his stuttering introduction. He was used to Eddie going off about the germs that passed between people when they were shaking hands. 

Over the next few days, they got to know Stanley a bit better. He was far quieter than Richie, although somehow he was the only one who actually seemed able to make the hyperactive boy shut up. He preferred to listen, and Eddie soon found himself enjoying his relaxing presence. Stanley’s love was soothing. 

Richie made so many jokes that Eddie soon found out that Stan was Jewish. Once again, he realised that a lot of what his mother had told him was wrong, Stanley was nothing like what she yelled at the television. 

Another thing that Eddie learned is that Stanley was just as scared of germs as he was. It was a pleasant change from Richie throwing dirt at him and Bill keeping a woodlouse farm in his garden shed. Stanley would go to great lengths to avoid any risk of catching germs, even washing his hands three times every time they came inside. His hands were often sore but he kept going anyway. 

Eddie got on quite well with Stan, and was very worried when he went to Stan’s house for the first time for their sociology homework (did you know they had been in the same class for years?) only to find the kid in tears and shaking, seemingly frozen in place in the kitchen. 

“Stan? Is something wrong?” Stan looked at him with terrified eyes and quivering hands.   
“I… It’s stupid. I just…” He seemed to be struggling so Eddie went to give him a hug, before he realised that perhaps Stan didn’t want one.  
“Is it going to be more stupid than me crying in the bathroom because I thought I was having a heart attack when it was just gas pains?” Stan actually let out a pained chuckle at that. 

“My parents are gonna be really angry at me because they told me I’m meant to have cleaned my room and I haven’t.” Eddie was confused. He had met Stan’s parents a few times, and they didn’t seem like the type to get angry.  
“Why haven’t you?”  
“It’s just so… hard. I don’t know how to describe it.” Stanley looked more upset than Eddie had ever seen him. “I have a lot of things that I know I need to get rid of but I can't, and they keep getting really angry at me because of the mess.”

Eddie wasn’t sure he entirely understood, but Stanley was his friend so he was determined to try. He knew that he sometimes felt very scared whenever his room was messy because his mum would yell at him. “You’ll trip Eddiiiieee, you’ll fall and hurt yourself, you know how fragile you are.” Perhaps this was the same. 

When he convinced Stan to show him he started to understand why his parents were so angry. 

“That… is a lot of stuff.” Stanley was a little more composed now, but his eyes were still red-rimmed. There were piles of magazines reaching halfway up the walls, old newspapers lay in tatters along the floor, some dated back to years ago. The room was musty, Eddie had no idea how you would even start trying to clean up. You couldn’t even see the floor. 

“I know it's awful, but everytime I try to get rid of something I just get so scared. My parents keep telling me off, and I hate it so much, but I feel really bad when I try to get rid of anything and I hate that too.” Eddie pondered this for a moment. 

“I might have an idea.” Stanley’s eyes sharpened curiously. Eddie couldn’t help feeling sympathetic for his new friend, Stanley always seemed so anxious and maybe this was why. Anyone would feel claustrophobic if they were stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

“Maybe we could start with just moving some things, we don’t get rid of anything so it's not like you can't get it back, but it's not in your room anymore.” Stanley still looked hesitant, but he agreed. 

Eddie didn’t know much about the brain, but when he went to the library he learned about a thing called “hoarding,” which sounded a lot like Stan. It was slow but they did it together, one step at a time. 

By the time it reached summer, they had managed to make the floor visible. 

\--- --- --- --- ---

Summer was always a relief when it finally came, Eddie could almost cry with relief to be away from Bower’s and the gang. He couldn’t wait to spend time with his friends playing games at the arcade and using their bikes to try and break the sound barrier. 

It wasn’t a shock when Bill decided they were going to the barrens, and for once Eddie didn’t mind. He actually quite liked the barrens, he enjoyed the feeling of freedom, of wind in your hair, playing cowboys with his friends. 

What was a shock was when the new kid, Ben he thought his name was, practically ran into them by the sewers. 

A small part of Eddie couldn’t help but feel slightly jealous of Ben, when he fit into the group so seamlessly. He was still unsure all the way to them making the dam together, where Eddie realised that Ben was a kind and warm person. Despite all the name calling, he was still kind. 

When Eddie had a particularly bad asthma attack, Ben stayed with him until Bill got back with their inhaler. He could see the panic lining the kid’s features, but he spoke as calmly as any adult. Ben had that type of love toward everyone, the kind that makes you feel safe. 

It was around the time when Eddie first met the leper that he came across Ben by the marshes. He hated the marsh, everything about it was disgusting and grimy, but if you wanted to get to one of the shops you needed to go through it. 

Ben looked terrible. There was no point beating around the bush, his face was pale and covered in sweat, the only noises in the otherwise silent bog were his scared whimpers. Eddie approached slowly, not wanting to make his friend jump and fall in. “You’ll drown Eddiiiieee.” 

Ben finally noticed him when he managed to manoeuvre himself into his eyeline, and Eddie gently took his wrist to pull him away from the marsh. He couldn’t tell what it was Ben was so scared of, but something deep inside him knew that something sinister, almost supernatural, was involved. 

“Ben, can you hear me?” Ben didn’t move, eyes still locked onto the marsh. Eddie wondered if he should try to move the boy further away but he didn’t know if he could. “Can you talk?” Still silent. 

After a few moments Eddie came up with an idea. “Ok Ben, you don’t have to talk, can you blink once for yes twice for no?” Ben blinked once. “Was that a yes? Or were you just blinking?” Ben made a slight wheezing noise and Eddie decided to roll with it. 

“Can you hear me?”  
One blink.  
“Are you hurt?”  
Two blinks.   
“Did you hear something?”  
Two blinks.  
“See something?”  
One blink.   
“Was it a person?”  
One blink. 

Eddie began to feel pretty worried. He had heard the stories about children who got lost in the marsh and would fall in and drown, water filling their mouths before they could scream for help. 

He moved back over to the edge of the marsh, and looked out into the vacant space. He couldn't see anything unusual, aside from the odd branch that was sticking out of the mud. It looked ominous, similar to spiders legs reaching up from the thick mud, clawing at the air to grab another victim. Eddie felt unsettled, and he wondered whether that was what had scared Ben. 

Going back to his friend, who was still pale but looked slightly less terrified now, he tried asking more questions. 

“Was the person in the marsh?”  
One blink.   
“Was it an adult?  
One blink.

Bile rose in the back of his throat, and Eddie felt his legs start to tremble. He didn’t know why he felt so scared suddenly, but the fear was very strong. Almost strong enough to make him run as fast as he could, abandoning Ben there. But he stayed still. 

He would never leave his friends to deal with that thing alone, even if he was scared. 

With a final look at the marsh, Eddie thought he saw a red balloon sinking into the mud. He took Ben’s wrist again, and tugged gently. To his relief Ben seemed to be able to come with him, so he gently led him away. 

Eventually they had gotten back up to the barrens. By now, Ben was calm enough to talk. 

“Im sorry Eddie, I saw something and I just got so scared and it kept coming closer and-”  
“Ben, you’re safe now. It can't hurt you.” Faint tear tracks glistened down his cheeks. “There was nothing there, it was all fake.” 

Eddie wondered for a moment whether perhaps it was actually a person, that they had left a child to drown, but he pushed the thoughts away. Nothing that… It did was real. It couldn’t hurt them here, not in the sunlight. 

The pair stayed there for a little while, until Ben was calm enough to be able to look reasonably normal. Nothing was around them. When Ben decided he wanted to go home, Eddie decided to walk with him, he didn’t want to be alone at the moment. 

It wasn’t until he got home that he remembered he was meant to be going to the shop. 

\--- --- --- --- ---

Alongside Ben, Beverly and Mike came in quick succession. Eddie had to say that he admired Bev, he could understand why Ben was so transfixed by her, and why Bill would watch her when he thought that nobody else was watching. He didn’t think he saw her in the same way, but he did think she was very pretty.

Eddie would be lying if he said that having a girl in the group wasn’t unusual. In the back of his head his mothers voice was as loud as ever. “That Beverly girl is a slut, I’ve heard all about her. She’ll give you AIDS Eddie!”

Of course much like everything else, Bev wasn’t like that at all. She was fun to be around, she had that cheeky glint in her eye that Richie had, and not that Eddie would admit it, she was much faster on the bike than he was. She was the sun, her smile lit a room and she had a fiery intensity that drew people to her warmth. 

It was that ferocity that made it so confusing when Eddie came across her in the barrens. She was on the floor, leaning back tensely against a rock. Her short hair was aflame in the sunlight. She didn’t seem to notice when Eddie called her name. His bike caught on a stone and he abandoned it for a moment.

When he laid a hand on her shoulder, she jerked away, startled. Eddie raised his hands in a mock surrender gesture, pretending to not see as she wiped away the remnants of tears from her eyes. 

“Is everything okay Bev?” Bev nodded, but Eddie knew she was lying. He used to do the same thing when his teachers asked, although normally he was feeling pretty unwell from whatever medication his mum had him on now. 

A splash of red caught his attention, and his mind flashed to the red balloon. It took him a moment to realise that it was blood, and his heart jumped. 

“Bev, are you hurt? You’re bleeding.”  
“I know. I’m fine Eddie leave me alone.”  
“But you’re-” It was then that his brain finally caught up to where he saw the blood. “Oh! Sorry Bev, um I… sorry I'll go.” Bev actually laughed slightly. 

“Yeah.” Eddie was silent for a moment.   
“Are you in pain? I have some painkillers if you need them.” She shook her head. “If you aren't in pain then why are you crying?”

Beverly hesitated for a moment before she answered.   
“I got blood on my jeans, my dad’s gonna be so pissed off at me.” Eddie’s breath caught in his lungs, as much as she acted like she didn’t care he knew that her dad scared her. Eddie found he could sympathise with that. 

“Is your dad at work?”  
Yeah, but only for the next five minutes or so. When I realised it was too late, I’ll never get back in time!”   
“Not if you use my bike.”

Beverly looked confused for a moment.   
“But how will you get home?” Eddie shook his head.   
“Don’t worry about it, I’m meant to be doing more walking anyway. If you go now, you can leave it in the bush behind your apartment and I can grab it from there. Nobody would need to know, and then you can get changed and tomorrow we can take your jeans to the Laundromat. You need to soak them in cold water for a bit though, try to do it as soon as you get back. That's the best way to get blood out.”

Beverly’s eyes shined as she gave him a hug. With a quick goodbye she grabbed his bike, and his offered jumper to tie around her waist, and left. The sun was pleasantly warm on his skin, and he felt he would quite enjoy the walk to Beverly’s flat. 

\--- --- --- --- ---

Mike was very smart, that was one of the first things Eddie realised about him. Like Ben, he had spent a lot of time reading and had the common sense that the rest of them lacked. Mike was dedicated, Eddie had no idea how he could sit down and read a book for hours. He suspected that was why Stan liked him so much. 

Frequently, Mike would look at Eddie as he rolled his eyes when Stanley started talking about the latest birds he saw in his garden, and Eddie would always end up laughing. They had a bond that was solidified from the moment they fought together in the rock fight, and Eddie wondered if that was how people bonded in the war. 

When Eddie mentioned to his mum that he was spending time with Mike, she had said some terrible things. Eddie couldn’t believe that she would say things like it, but a deeper part of him could. For a long time he had believed his mother knew everything, that she had to be right because she said she was, but after he broke his arm and he found out about the drugs, he wasn’t so sure. 

Mike cared about him, Mike loved him. His mother made him take medicines that made him feel dreadful, she called him weak. She controlled him. That isn’t love. 

When Eddie had left his house after an argument with his mum, still haunted by her crocodile tears, he came across Mike collapsed on the ground at the side of the road. 

Eddie ran over and was immediately checking for injuries, horrified to see that his head was bleeding slightly. 

“What happened?” He asked breathlessly, wishing he still had his fanny pack with all the medicines he could have used. He didn’t even bring his bandages with him, like a fool. Eddie made a mental note to grab them when he got home. 

Mike seemed to be in pain, but his pupils were normal and he could move alright.   
“Someone threw a rock at me from their car.” Eddie’s lungs constricted.   
“Did you see them? Maybe we can go to the police.”  
“I did but I won't. They never listen. The only person who hates me and my “kind” more than Henry is his dad.” Eddie was silent for a moment, but he suspected that Mike knew better than he did. 

“They were adults.” Eddie snapped his head up at that, as Mike continued. “It’s one thing when kids do it, or when teenagers call me names. My dad always said that they don’t really hate me, they only know what their parents have told them. They go home and their daddy says “Black people are bad, never trust a black man.” and they listen because they trust him. But adults shouldn't do that, should they?”

Eddie shook his head vigorously.   
“Absolutely not, you don’t deserve them treating you like that. I can't say that I understand what it’s like, or how it feels to be you, but I do know that you are smarter and braver and better than I am. Anyone who says black people are bad has probably never met anyone black.”

Mike chuckled, but he still seemed distressed.  
“Is this what it’s going to be like? For the rest of my life?”  
“I don’t know, but I don’t think so. I think Derry has stupid people in it, but someday you’ll be able to go somewhere new and people will realise how amazing you are.” Mike smiled slightly. The bleeding had stopped by now, and Eddie helped him up so they could start walking back home. 

Eddie vowed that he would make sure nobody ever hurt Mike like that when he was there. Mike wasn’t particularly talkative, so they walked in comfortable silence down the road. 

After a few minutes, a bike screeched to a halt next to them. Eddie panicked for an instant before he realised that it was just Bill and Silver. Bill immediately jumped off his bike, checking over Mike from head to toe. He had that look in his eye, and Mike gave Eddie that rolling eyes look again. 

They both laughed.


End file.
